Ogden Nash—"What's in a Name? Some Letter I Always Forget"

back in the long middle stretch of the twentieth century, comic poetry was something you could make a living off of. i grew up with multiple books by Ogden Nash on various family member's bookshelves, including one containing short animal poems that was my very own. ("A most peculiar bird is the pelican / Its beak can hold more than its belly can", etc.)

the following poem does not appear to be online in text anywhere a few casual moments turned up. following a brief but heated exchange over how many Ls in someone's name necessitate retaliation with lethal force, my conscience compelled me to locate the poem in a scanned book and make the text available before god and the internet. et violà, behold!

WHAT'S IN A NAME? 
SOME LETTER I ALWAYS FORGET 

Not only can I not remember anecdotes that are racy,

 

But I also can't remember whether the names of my Scottish friends begin with M-c or M-a-c,

 

And I can't speak for you, but for myself there is one dilemma with me in the middle of it,

Which is, is it Katharine with a K or Catherine with a C, and furthermore is it an A or is it an E in the middle of it? 

I can remember the races between Man o' War and Sir Barton, and Épinard and Zev, 

But I can't remember whether it's Johnson or Johnston any more than whether you address a minister as Mr. or Dr. or simply Rev. 

I know a cygnet from a gosling and a coney from a leveret, 

But how to distinguish an I-double-T from an E-double- T Everett? 

I am familiar with the nature of an oath, 

But I get confused between the Eliot with one L and one T, and the Elliot with two L's and one T, and the Eliott with one L and two T's, and the Elliott with two of both. 

How many of my friendships have lapsed because of an extra T or a missing L; 

Give me a simple name like Taliaferro or Wambsganss or Toporcer or Joralemon or Mankiewicz that any schoolboy can spell, 

Because many former friends thought I was being impolite to them 

When it was only because I couldn't remember whether they were Stuarts with a U or Stewarts with an E-W that I didn't write to them.